I didn't get a second date because of my TikToks
Updated: Dec 31, 2020
"So I know you're probs not even bothered by what I'm about to say...I did find you attractive and stuff, but the TikToks and that, I'm not into that sort of thing..."
Ouch. I re-read the feedback form that he had so kindly Insta DMmed over to me after ghosting me for two weeks.
The last guy I dated began with such potential, he really did. I was 20 years old, relationship experience age of 0. Dating expertise age of about 16. Letâs just say I had been reading Matthew Husseyâs âHow to Get the Guyâ book since I had popped out of the womb so I wasn't a stranger to the thrilling game of pursuing a man. In the lead up to my date with this 10/10 potential dude, I had pretty much binged all of Matthewâs YouTube videos - âhow to have a successful first dateâ, âhow to get him to like youâ, âhow to show you are girlfriend material without scaring him awayâ, to name a few. Not that I needed the preparation. I had his advice ingrained in me like an under-the-skin tattoo. I just wanted to confirm what I already knew and get the pre-date energy vibez going.
The date was⌠average. He was hot, I kissed him on the way out, but he didnât tick a lot of the things off that I was looking for in a guy. He didnât feed my ego as much as I fed his, still, I played the role of oh-so-happy-to-be-here and iâll-laugh-at-all-your-jokes. The poster girl for "I AM WIFE MATERIAL" the musical - super amused, interested (not to mention interesting⌠but did he think so?) and tactile. What more could a guy want?!
He told me on the train home that he couldnât believe he had met a girl like me. Oh weâre in, babes! Heâs not Mr. Right, but heâs Mr. Right Now. I turned my feelings of deflation into feelings of hope and excitement⌠the red flags arenât really red flags are they, theyâre just âquirksâ, stuff I can iron out. Heâs interested in me, not to mention really hot so I should definitely see him again and make my mind up after date 2. Oh heâs got such big things planned for date 2, I can already tell based on his favourite places to go and the way heâs groping my legâŚ
and then⌠the dreaded ghost.
âYouâve gone quiet. Take it no date 2?â I was confused, perplexed, doubting everything I had thought to be true. He was SO INTO ME ON THE DATE?!
âAhh Iâve got an exam in December I need to be studying for.â It was SEPTEMBER.
I fell straight into self-pity, 'woe is me', iâll-never-ever-get-a-guy-to-love me reflexes. And then it dawned on me⌠I had spent all of my time thinking my techniques and tips for âbagging this manâ had failed me, when he was never ever the type of man I wanted to bag in the first place.
Yep, you heard it... he thought my silly TikToks were an indicator of my personality (he found my profile himself and proceeded to tell me it just 'isn't his thing') and, eh, it really put him off. I mean, they are an indicator of my personality I guess... I'm goofy and wacky and I spend most of my time making creative content and meme material because I donât think life gets much better than that. It's just who I am.
But it's not entirely me. That's my 'out-there' self, if he had taken the time to peel my layers he'd know there's a lot more to me. Shocker: you can be a TikToker and still be emotionally mature and a profound person.
I canât lie though, I felt really knocked. Unbelievably embarrassed to be exact, but I tried to laugh rather than cry. Still, I went back to my girls a lot after that with a new existential crisis every day. He's right...I'm lame, I'm weird, I'm a freak. I impulse deleted anything that could be considered cringy on my social media feeds - be it an inspirational IGTV, a singing video, or me dressed as bloody Trump.
That's so embarrrrrraaaaazzzzzzzing.
I do believe that you have to keep some of yourself private. Not every part of you is âfor saleâ on the internet. Sometimes I worry that over the years I have divulged so much of my personality online to the point I now irrationally think this might be why I havenât had a serious relationship yet. Is there anything left to find out? Is there any intrigue or mystery in dating me seeing as any guy can find out every inside thought I've had since I was 14 years old if they research hard enough and find my old unerased blogs? Maybe I am just too much.
My best friends soon enough whacked me round the face and brought me back to remembering who I am. That is how I choose to present myself to the world because I love to be creative and life is too short to not do daring or silly things. I shouldnât have let a man make my confidence waver about the woman I am and whether sheâs somebody that I rate. I know I am a good person, and thatâs why Iâm thankful for this date as it taught me that I still have a lot more self-loving to do.
Or as Ari sums up in a much shorter and sassier way - thank you, next.
In order to have a good date with a man, you want that man to be equally committed to the date, as invested in it as you are. Why did I have to make myself into a totally loveable specimen if this guy was going to tell me he was âtiredâ and âis grouchy when heâs tiredâ in the first minute of meeting. Oh - and when I complimented his outfit, he said it was the âonly thing that wasnât stainedâ and you guessed it, didnât compliment mine back. To put it lightly, the effort wasnât mutual.
To put it even better, he gave me love kernels. And I was there with an XL bucket of love popcorn.
It takes two to tango. Thereâs no point in us women being legs-a-kicking, limbs-a-flying, magical ethereal creatures if the men arenât going to straighten up and dance with us too.
We don't have to be 100% perfect to somebody to be seen as a potential love item, thatâs what I believe anyway. What I mean by that is I wasn't 100% convinced on Stupid Dating App Boy, I really wasn't, but I was 100% up for giving it a go. I put all of his 'weaknesses' (subjective to what I like) aside because I like to see the good in people and quite frankly I wanted an opportunity at love.
So if this guy was going to bin me off because of a few videos on an app, I did really well to avoid him. If they arenât to love me exactly as I come, I really donât want it. Settling isnât going for a guy that doesnât have any imperfections, itâs going for a guy that isnât confident enough in his manhood to accept your imperfect ways.
Being liked back has nothing to do with your inherent worth, itâs simply down to compatibility or the roll of the dice with the person that is sat opposite you
(I told myself he was a narcissistic sociopath to make me feel better).
I told myself that I wasnât the loser in this situation because I wasnât able to âget the guyâ, it was him that had lost cos he missed out on a real good girl. Oh and he was the biggest loser of all for missing out on the pure joy that can be found on TikTok.
Girls - have you noticed that if you google any type of dating advice for us there is a whole world out there on the internet - and yet a quick YouTube search of âhow to get the girlâ brought up ONE LONELY VIDEO (with over 1,000,000 views I must admit - youâre the men I want to marry!), oh and a bloominâ Taylor Swift song.
You know what that says, donât you? Men donât place nearly enough pressure on themselves to mold themselves into something desirable.
I donât want you thinking that I think women are better than men. I actually love men. Hence why I date them so often. And I look forward to devoting my life to a man someday.
I'm just saying the sooner us women work on ourselves for ourselves, without letting any constructive criticism question our entire identity, the sooner we can accept the fact that nobody can grant us happiness, confidence or fulfilment other than ourselves.
Back yourself, baby. Itâs not your life if you are letting other peopleâs opinions define it, and your opinion of yourself is the most important. And Jesus's of course (slash whoever you believe in).
I know who I am and what I love, and I'm not prepared to diminish such a huge chunk of my personality to make any man feel comfortable or more attracted to me. P.S get a sense of humour and don't take life so seriously, man!!!
I know there are good men out there, great men in fact (over a million according to the video views) and something is calling inside of me and telling me that these inherently good and special men are looking for their inherently good and special woman.
I'm out here and waiting patientlyâŚ.
âŚ.and I cannot wait to meet my adorably cheesy, wholly loving, sexily confident to make a fool out of himself, TikTok-obsessed man.