Every single year I had the same new years resolution: to find love. Every December 31st I felt the same crushing failure, and the closing in of my inevitable future surrounded by nothing other than cats. (Separate blog coming on why we should normalise this into being the dream it actually is - cats? Multiple? Yes pleaseeeee.)
But this year was all different. Rather than feel like I hadn’t achieved love, I took a closer look at the people around me and realised that I had obtained the greatest love of all (other than learning to love yourself, Whitney will tell you all about that).
I’m talking about my friends, no, SOUL SISTERS that have made my heart so full that I could honestly laugh happy tears realising that I had been delivered the love I wanted this whole time!
Ask yourself now: who makes me feel amazing when I hang out with them?
And even more important, who could I genuinely count on if I needed them right now?
If you haven’t got anyone to write here, congratulations on realising you deserve better and securing your first step to fulfilling relationships!
I encourage you to think about the people in your life, and make cuts where necessary. It sounds savage, but it’s vital. I spent pretty much all of my childhood and adolescence pleasing people that weren’t good to me, and I don’t know what kept me wasting my time on them other than the sheer fact that they were my “friends”. No one who leaves you feeling like the worst version of yourself is your friend, let alone somebody you should have in your life.
This time a year and a half ago, I felt lonely and like I had no friends, and I just want to point out that this is such a normal thing to experience in your 20s, or 30s, or any age. If you find yourself in this situation, first of all, HIIIII, LET ME BE YOUR FRIEND. Second of all, this is not nearly as negative as you might think it is. Infact, it’s a beautiful, beautiful blessing.
Brilliant epiphanies come when your mind falls silent for a second, and that’s how I look at that transcending period from no friends to friends: you’re by yourself and realising what you want from relationships in your life, and that is how you guarantee that the next people who walk in your life will be your people.
Also, normalise being single - in every sense - it’s so badass to be strongly individual. My own company is still my most favourite company despite entering 2021 with secure friendships for once, nothing wrong with that sista.
Or, as Jaaaaaaason Derulllooooooo so beautifully sings “I’m feeling like a star, you can’t stop my shine” after he decides to ride solo.
Like the star you are, choose to surround yourself in people that uplift you and boost you like shooting stars.
You’ll be able to identify these people as you’ll feel amazing when you’re in their company and after. You will never be able to flourish and live your dream life if you are hanging on to negative people from your past simply because you have shared time and memories.
It’s so common to lose friends when you leave school and feel sad about it like it was a life-defining error in the road, but it was actually just you splitting off on to your new and intended path. School is compulsory, and it’s great and lucky if you met your friends for life there. But if you didn’t, it’s not the big loss you think it is, and you’re going to gain something else (the excitement lies in not knowing exactly when or who or where, just know everything is mapped out and it all has your best interests at heart!). I only have a few school friends, the rest I met at work. We have active choices where we go after school and that’s where you’re going to meet like-minded people and have a million more encounters that were MEANT for you.
I was scared to cut off all ties from the people that didn’t care for me, as I realised that would leave me with barely anyone. What I came to learn though is that it is better to be alone than surrounded by the wrong people, and better to have zero friends than half a friend.
that maths doe...
This is where you need to teach yourself to be self-reliant, make yourself your best friend, and in this time look for the people that you can count on.
For me it was my family, just spending more time with them made me feel so safe and I could just sense myself growing into a happier and healthier woman. The rest went from there and now I have a small circle of friends, all of which I can count on one and a half hands (two hands sounds like I’m over-embellishing the situation, can’t lie), but every single one is pure gold.
Once you’ve established these relationships, build on them and remember to check up on them and tell them how much they mean to you! If you water the right areas in your life, the growth and beauty that you see will be incredible.
This is where most humans go wrong in life, not expressing their love and gratitude for the people that are always there for them. If you could see the pure ongoing magnitude of love that gets passed around in my group chat every day, you would probably be sick, but it makes us happy nonetheless. Your vibe attracts your tribe… in the same way your tribe affects your vibe! You get what you give and I am now wrapped in a bubble of love and amazing energy.
Also, it’s perfectly natural to fall in and out of friendships. It doesn’t mean that they weren’t intended for us, or that it was a waste of time, because they were just right for us at the time we had them. Wherever you go in life, the people you spend it with are usually going to be reflecting what you are at the time - what you need, what you like. Things just change as you get older, YOU change, and that’s perfectly fine. Like all the good things that come with evolution, it allows the world to get bigger and brighter. I read a caption this one time by Caggie Dunlop (I love her and everything she stands for) and it really got me thinking. She said she doesn’t believe in ‘the one’ as such, but in many connections and soulmates in life, in romantic and platonic form, that we get to ‘dance through life’ with. I thought that was so beautifully put and I happen to think she’s totally right. Everything gets you where you’re intended to be.
Platonic love is just as powerful as romantic love, if anything, there is a deeper heart and comfort in the love that comes from friendships because we all usually have a few failed tries at romance before we meet our forever person, whereas you can have more than one mate that connects with your soul so beautifully when it comes to friends. Not to forget that they are that constant, the ones to wipe your mascara and reapply your crown when needed.
To my besties - you know who you are, thank you for everything.
But finally, I want to stress the most important point of all which is that all of our lives look different. Some people have large groups of friends, some people have just the one, some people don’t hang out with people and they hang out with themselves and take up hobbies instead.
Know that you are never alone, and there will always be approximately a billion if not more people out there that feel exactly like you.
They’re your people! It doesn’t even matter if you never get to meet them or share things with them. Humans are social animals, but you’re not a broken human if you prefer to be alone. I would argue that you’re a more complicated machine than the rest and on to something special.
I will say it over and over again, pure peace and enlightenment comes from befriending yourself, and if you spend the rest of your life living it completely by yourself and for yourself, you’re really cool. Everything else is the sprinkles and cherry on top.