She loves me, she loves me not

“You’re judgey and you appear to be incapable of love”. Wow, all of this from my ‘tough love in a bottle’ sister and we hadn’t even sat down for dinner yet.


One of those things I can agree on, yes, but with a slight technical change. I’m not judgemental when it comes to humans in the slightest, but when it comes to choosing somebody to spend a lot of extra curricular time with and offer up that good old “boyfriend” label to, I guess I am as fussy as a toddler at a Toby Carvery.


Incapable of love though? This is where I’ve had a bit of a reality check lately. I mean, I’m the girl who used to come back as a dolphin in Myers-Briggs animal equivalent tests. My tagline is “I want to be loved” for darn sake!!! As I’ve written in one of my songs before... I’m not scared of getting hurt (no I’m really not, do your worst, I can face it bruh), I’m really more scared of getting close.


Oh wait, maybe that’s why I can’t seem to get in a relationship - because I’m “that girl trying to be a songwriter and release art into the world” and we alllllll know what they’re like.

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Don’t get me wrong, I can flirt for England and I love male attention but for some reason when the stakes are actually on - I write this on the morning of my first serious date in a while (the guy actually likes me and has been putting in serious effort) - well, how do I put this?


I’d rather be sent a text from him stomping on my heart and giving me a million reasons to not like him so I could have an excuse not to go. And then I could be the girl eating the ice cream in front of the TV going “oh well, goodbye to you, I’ll find my Prince Charming one day.”

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I really do believe in love, I’m like high-key obsessed with it. But I can truly recognise now based on the above piece of text that I am fighting it.


But does all of this mean I have a harder time of being loving as I see it as an exchange for love in return?


Something I’m clearly as wary of as a “beware the Rottweiler” sigh when you ring on someone’s door bell.

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Perhaps it’s because I feel as though me being in an all loving relationship and having a boy I truly dote on and want to show off to the world is as faraway a dream as me actually becoming that full time artist songwriter. I’m just not sure I can see it.


I think I am a classic Aquarius, not that I should pin all the blame on Astrology. But for some reason that actually makes me feel better about the way I can be and act, so I shall.


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I’m as loving as the sun when you meet me and know me as a friend, and I’ll show you my heart and open it to you with no fears or concerns.


But when it comes to the make or break “are you locking that in as your final answer” decision of giving my heart to somebody...


...well my gut becomes less of a vital body part and more the most indecisive thing I’ve ever known, and I my friend, become aloof. So hot yet so cold, even I can’t compute the shift sometimes.


Or as Katy would say... I'm in, then I'm out. I'm up, then I'm down.

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I really don’t want to go on this date today, I really don’t. Not because I don’t like the guy, he seems like a real catch, totally amazing. I’m just not that certain of him and whether he can give me what I want.


Everyone tells me to lower my expectations, you’re meant to date a guy, not an Oscar-worthy character written by a team of 20 people.

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So I will approach this date with my feet firmly on the ground, but equally, I don’t want to come down from the clouds.


I do believe that I will feel all of the heart glow, mushy legs, tummy tingle feelings when I meet the guy I actually want to spend my time with. I’ve had it before and I know what it feels like.


I don’t want to settle for anybody who doesn’t give me that feeling which is why getting ready for a date sometimes feels more like I’m painting my face to go to war. Camouflaged to the core as I’ll walk in and entertain that guy to smithereens, he’ll never know the battle with my heart to get here. Not to mention, I’m bloody nervous. Hashtag normalise the nerves.


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Still, I will contour my nose and clip in my luscious extensions and put on a damn cute outfit and show up to this date.


Because I know that an open heart means open doors.


And yeah I might be shut off right now, but I’m convinced that all the doors will come flinging off the hook like a gust of wind has slipped through the gap when Mr. Right comes along.


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Sweep me up from my feet, hold me in your arms!!!! An Oscar worthy performance some might say.




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