I’ve been feeling it a lot lately.
Hence the need to break from writing and be off social media - I’ve just wanted to be alone with my thoughts and the people I hold closest. It’s been a tough time to say the least, and in those times you come to realise that your family and good friends are lifelines. And that is it.
Everything else is irrelevant.
Life is life, nothing else matters.
I love this website I have created, and it matters to me, perhaps to some others in this lifetime (a lovely thought) but it doesn’t really matter when we’ve all been and gone.
My 9-5 job matters in the sense it’s granting me my liberties and freedom and helping the country in some shape and form, but it doesn’t really matter to me in the grand scheme of things.
Everything else - fleeting relationships that come and go, dresses that we love and then don’t fit into, places that were once home that are now just walls and flooring, well they mattered once, but not anymore.
The clock moves and the world spins whether we’re with it or not, and the one thing I have come to realise is that nothing on earth matters other than the people you carry with you in your heart. Everything else is just in between.
So how do you get through that ‘in between’ when it’s all a bit dark and too much to cope with? To sum up the state I’m in right now, I keep waking up in the middle of the night screaming. I can’t always remember why I do this but something terrifying wakes me up. Gotta laugh or else you’ll cry, right?
I’d be lying if I said that it’s easy to put your emotions aside and get through the day, because it’s not. But there are still beautiful things on offer in this world even in the worst of times.
The first one I’ve already banged on about but I’ll say it again… it’s people. Humans really are the best things to have ever been created.
A few other things that are providing me with comfort and happy moments:
The Bold Type
This show gives me so much life I can’t even explain. It’s about three best friends working for a fashion magazine and the characters are so real and the issues presented are so complex, all on an aesthetic backdrop of glamorous New York. Just delicious. Firstly, I love all TV for distraction and escapism. I actually can’t recommend it enough when you’re in a low patch, because it does allow you to get lost in somebody else’s life and put your own life down even if it is for minutes at a time. This show is strikingly modern, extremely aesthetic, and is about strong female friendship. I mean, what’s not to love?
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert
I haven’t read in a while and I’m glad this is the first book I’ve picked up to start with. The way Elizabeth describes the concept of creativity, fear and ideas being ‘alive with their own autonomy’ is quite amazing. I get that epiphany feeling with every sentence she writes. One of my favourite messages I have taken so far: “if you can’t learn to travel comfortably alongside your fear, then you’ll never be able to go anywhere interesting or do anything interesting”.
Having dinner to look forward to genuinely gets me through the day. And when I’m eating it, well, it makes my day. The highlight without a doubt, every damn day. I’ve found food to be a big comfort (maybe in unhealthy amounts) whilst grieving, but that’s fine because whatever gets you through is good, and I do love my food.
I’ll leave you with one of my favourite quotes from the legendary Will Smith, which seems especially poignant at the current time I am in, but remains true always:
“The keys to life are running and reading. When you're running, there's a little person that talks to you and says, "Oh I'm tired. My lung's about to pop. I'm so hurt. There's no way I can possibly continue." You want to quit. If you learn how to defeat that person when you're running you will learn how to not quit when things get hard in your life. For reading: there have been gazillions of people that have lived before all of us. There's no new problem you could have - with your parents, with school, with a bully. There's no new problem that someone hasn't already had and written about it in a book.”
Take comfort in the people that are feeling the same things as you. You are never, ever, eveeeeeeeeeeer by yourself in how you are feeling. And keep pushing through as you have been so strongly and so amazingly.
I just wanted to say thank you to any of you who take the time to read these blogs, and I LOVE YOU!